


Help me be Quiet

by remyllian_fire



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Established Relationship, M/M, insecure!Gwaine
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-11-12
Updated: 2013-11-12
Packaged: 2018-01-01 08:11:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,045
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1042446
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/remyllian_fire/pseuds/remyllian_fire
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sometimes, even after years together, Gwaine finds he still doesn't understand Percy.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Help me be Quiet

**Author's Note:**

> For Sonia.
> 
> Please forgive me for stealing one of Spike's most heartbreaking lines in Buffy. Just for a title, too! I'm sorry, I couldn't help myself.
> 
> Originally, I was going to write something to help heal my heart (no, I'm still not over the Merlin finale), but then this happened. I hope it's still something you can enjoy, Sonia. You deserve all the Percy/Gwaine in the world. <3

"I'll be fine, Gwaine. Don't worry, I'll take a cab. See you at home later?"

Gwaine hates when Percy walks away. He hates every missed opportunity to wrap his arms around Percy's waist, when he fails his turn at being the supportive one. He hates when his attempts to help aren't needed. But he can do this. The distant sort of support Percy apparently needs isn't something Gwaine is accustomed to, but he can manage. He can let Percy have his space when it's needed, no matter what the reason.

"If that's what you want," Gwaine says, hesitance slowing his words and distorting his countenance.

And he does. He turns and walks away. If Percy needs solitude, then Gwaine can let him be. If he doesn't want Gwaine's help, then that's all there is to it. But the moment Percy stumbles, Gwaine doesn't even stop to think before bounding after him.

"Just want to walk you to your cab, love," he explains when Percy glares pointedly at him.

"I'm not that drunk," he insists with a scowl, but he allows it, even slips his arm around Gwaine as they walk. But he still pushes away as soon as they're outside.

"I know. You said you need time by yourself, but I... I just don't. I don't want anything to happen to you."

He glances away, words trailing off, his insecurities making him incoherent. Percy, always perceptive, notices. He pulls Gwaine into a tight hug, enveloping him completely.

"You didn't do anything wrong," Percy assures him, soft words tickling at his neck. "You know that, right? There's no problem."

"Are you sure? I can leave, too, if you want. The others, they'll be fine, we can talk through whatever's bothering you—"

"That isn't necessary." The insistence is clear in his clenched jaw and firm voice. "You know that isn't what I need right now."

He knows. He was careless in the early days of their relationship, but he won't be that person again. He knows better. He knows Percy's wish isn't bad, that nothing is wrong between them, and he especially knows he can't risk being pushy. He can't – well, he could, but he won't – disregard what Percy needs. If Percy wants a few hours alone to sort through something, Gwaine can manage. It shouldn't be a problem for him at all. Theoretically, he understands completely. There isn't quiet space when they're together. If they're arguing, teasing, laughing, pushing each other against walls or playing card games on the bed, there's always noise filling their home.

Gwaine loves that. The sounds complete him. The first time he heard Percival exchange shouted obscenities with his noisier-than-Gwaine neighbour through the wall was the moment Gwaine knew he was in love, and how could a person resent noise after that? Percival, however, needs time and quiet to sort through things, and Gwaine... Gwaine learned quickly that Percy sometimes works through problems best when alone.

"You're thinking too much about this," Percy insists, still whispering into his ear. "When did you become so pensive?"

"That's your fault, Perce. You made me pensive."

"No more than you made me a drunkard."

"You were swimming in beer even before I even met you."

"Then you were already pensive. You hid it from everyone very well."

"Don't tell anyone, but I'm a true, deep-thinking philosophiziser."

"That isn't a word, G."

"I know." Gwaine smiles into the crook of Percy's neck, inhaling deeply. It helps calm him. A little. They'll be okay. Of course they will. "I know."

\----------

Gwaine resists the urge to follow him home. It's _their_ home, after all, and he has every reason to be there. He wants to be there with Percy. He wants to kiss him into happiness, wants to soothe him by any means necessary, wants to _help_. But he doesn't run to their flat. He tries to lose himself in the laughter of his friends, tries to ignore their prying questions and pitying glances, tries to enjoy the company of friends, but...

"Fuck, I've become a sap," he realizes, can't help but announce it.

"Too right. And you're the last to notice," Lance informs him as he slaps Gwaine's shoulder heavily before leaning drunkenly against him. "Cheer up, Gwaine, it's not a bad thing. Just think – you've been in the 'mature relationships' club for ages without even knowing it."

"Get off," Gwaine shrugs.

He shakes himself until Lance slides off, flailing slightly until he hits the floor. Gwaine, feeling maybe a little vindictive, chuckles before returning to his own slump. He doesn't watch Lance struggle his way back to his seat, doesn't really care even when the bastard flicks his knee.

"Go home, Gwaine," Lance mutters, his voice muffled against Gwaine's thigh. Gwaine pushes him off again, but there's no return to the ground. "We all will – when I get off the floor anyway – and you... you have a big, strong man to make happy. He's been gone for hours. He's probably waiting for you to come home and apologize for whatever you did by wrapping your stupid mouth around his—" 

Before he can finish his sentence, Gwaine shoves Lance off until he stumbles back onto the floor. But he might have a point. About the amount of time that has passed since Percy left. Not about the physical apology, because he knows there was no argument to settle between them. But he may need to apologize now that he's been out so late...

"Just... go, Gwaine," is the sleepy, mumbled insistence from the ground. "Don't worry 'bout me. The rest of the boys will help me home."

"No, they won't," he assures him, though it's news to him, too. Maybe he drank more than he thought, because he missed it, but it's now clear they slipped away as he moped with Lance. The bastards. "They went home to their ladies and left you in my care."

That gets Lance's attention, at least enough that he staggers to his feet, holding steady only with helping hand from Gwaine.

"When'd you turn into a helpful, lovely, sober friend, and when did I become the only drunk?"

Gwaine doesn't respond. It's better if they don't travel down that road to painful memories, for everyone's sake. Really for Lance's sake. He doesn't need that reminder, but he seems to figure it out anyway.

"Oh, right," Lance mumbles as Gwaine jostles him into his jacket with more force than is strictly necessary. "Percy. Wonderful Percy."

"We're not having this conversation right now. I'm going to put you in bed, and we'll talk about it tomorrow when you're nursing a hangover. Or never."

"You are lovely together," he insists, but then he falls into silence, letting Gwaine guide him.

He's easier to handle then – though slow and bumbling – the whole ought-to-have-been-short walk to Lance's house. The ride home in the cab feels just as long even though it isn't, and he feels unsettled within himself until he sees Percy, curled up on the couch, sleeping despite the loud noises from the television. When Gwaine clicks it off, Percy wakes, stretching and looking confused.

"You just coming in?" Percy asks, sleep slurring his words.

Gwaine nods as he kneels next to the couch, kissing Percy briefly before sitting back. Sleepy eyes blink slowly shut at the contact, a contented murmur buzzing through his lips, turning to protest when he opens his eyes to see Gwaine's somber look.

"You ready to talk about whatever is bothering you?" Gwaine wants to know, feels like he _needs_ to know, after Percy's less-than-subtle exit earlier.

He pushes upward, tensing defensively, but Gwaine holds him still with a hand on his elbow and a steady gaze.

"Don't," he whispers. "It's okay. I don't want to fight. I just want to know. You know I always want to know what you're thinking, but you—" and it's hard for him to say it, but he can do it. "You don't have to. I hate secrets, but if you need them, I can..." He flounders, waving his free hand like he hopes to catch an appropriate response that doesn't make him sound sappy or needy.

"Stop that," Percy demands, catching the frantic hand in one of his own and laces his fingers through Gwaine's. "It isn't like that, okay?"

"Since we moved in here, you've suddenly needed so much time to think, so much time alone, and I thought... I didn't think getting our own place would make you want to escape my company so much."

"Gwaine," Percy sits up, staring him down as if daring him to challenge his move, but he keeps their fingers locked together. "You know I don't have a problem telling you off. We've been through enough, and you've put me through, that I will always, always tell you if there's a problem."

"So what's the problem?" Gwaine can't look away. He wants to, but he needs to see the truth in Percy's eyes, because he just doesn't understand what could be so disastrous that it needs to stay hidden.

"I never thought... I wanted this. Don't doubt that. I wanted to move in with you," Percy reassures him. Gwaine startles, begins to pull away, but Percy stops him abruptly. "I _still_ want to live with you. I'm not second-guessing that, so please don't make that face. I just didn't know what that would mean. I need my own space, a little bit of time to myself."

Gwaine squints at him before pulling away. He drags his hands over his face, scrubbing roughly before tugging at his hair.

"So you want to stay with me," he begins, slowly, turning the words over in his mouth, trying to make sense of them. "But you want to be alone."

"Yes," Percy says quickly. "No."

Gwaine laughs a short huff of confusion without a trace of real amusement. He buries his face in his hands again, can't look up.

"Please don't give me any version of 'it's not you, it's me.' I already don't know what's going on, so let's not use a phrase neither of has the stomach for."

"What?" Percy sounds incredulous, but Gwaine isn't about to uncover his eyes for anything. "Look at me. Gwaine, now. Please."

Gwaine just shakes his head, petulant. Percy pulls his hands away from his face, holds them tightly in his own, squeezing hard, but Gwaine won't look up. 

"You... I love you, you idiot. Do you honestly doubt that? After the years we've been together? You're everything to me," and Gwaine blinks up at him at last. "I don't regret anything. I just... need a couple hours to myself sometimes."

"So, you're not hiding something from me?" Gwaine asks, still dubious.

"Of course not! I thought it would be better if I took time while you were still out, so you didn't feel abandoned."

"We all felt abandoned," Gwaine mutters, a little unwilling to take the weight of the emotion on his own.

"Gwaine. I'm going to say this one last time. I need you to understand this. I always need you, but sometimes I need to be alone. When I'm done, when I've had an hour or two, I'll always be right back at your side, but I still need that time."

"I understand if I'm too much, but I can—"

Percy presses two fingers over his lips to quiet him. Gwaine glares, but doesn't protest or pull away.

"You're not too much. I've always taken that time alone. Even before I even knew you, all right? You didn't make me need it. You're not too much to handle; I know exactly how to deal with you." Gwaine smirks behind Percy's fingers. Percy lightly smacks his cheek, but leaves his hand there, gently keeping hold of both Gwaine's jaw and gaze.

"I'm all right with that."

"You've always been a bit problematic, but I like that about you," Percy confesses, a soft smile playing at the corners of his mouth.

"Because you like handling me?"

The laugh that bursts from Percy is light and squeezes Gwaine's heart unexpectedly. He leans up until he's entirely in Percy's space again, resting his forehead against Percy's, and feels like he understands for the first time in a long time.

"Yeah, I do."

**Author's Note:**

> I'm running on very little sleep, loads of caffeine, and lots of cold medicine. Thank you for reading despite all that. :)


End file.
